Star 1: Teacher! HE SAID MY FARTS FLY!
Me: Uh... what?
Star 1: He said my farts FLY!
Star 2: No I didn't.
Star 1: Yes he did!
Star 2: That's NOT what I said, I said-
Star 1: Yes he DID!
Me: Uh... wait... come here please (both a buy-myself-some-time-so-I-respond-correctly AND good-lord-I-need-these-two-to-stop-shouting-this-across-the-room-right-now tactic).
~Stars 1 and 2 approach my desk~
Me: Now, with an inside voice, please explain what has happened.
Star 1: We were playing with the dolls and puppets, well, I was playing with the dolls and puppets and HE was playing somethin' else and-
Star 2: I don't want to play with the dolls and puppets. I was making dinner (dramatic play center).
Star 1: Yeah, he was making dinner, and I showed him, well I wanted to show him that I put the clothes on the baby AND on a puppet, but he wouldn't look, and I asked him again, and he wouldn't look, and then he said my farts fly.
Star 2: I didn't want to look at the doll. I was busy making dinner, and I was almost done.
Me: Did you say something to her when she tried to show you the dolls?
Star 2: Yeah, I told her "I'm cooking. I can't look right now."
Star 1: AND THEN HE SAID MY FARTS FLY!
Star 2: (sighing) No, I didn't say your farts fly. *** I SAID*** I don't give a flying fart if you dressed up the baby. I'm cooking dinner!
Me: (dying on the inside, amazingly straight-faced on the outside) Honey, is that a nice way to talk to a friend at school? Next time please tell her that you'll look in a little bit, or ask her to show another friend.
Star 1: Yeah, don't tell me that my farts fly! That's not nice.
And then I sent them back to the dramatic play center.
That's right, I GAVE UP.
There was no neat and tidy resolution.
I couldn't embrace the teachable moment because I was too filled with desperation to not let loose with wild peals of laughter.
*****
Do you have any idea how *awesome* this week's parent teacher conferences are going to be?
